How Well do You Listen? - And what your listening says about trust.

How well do you actually listen?

Not just hearing the words someone is saying, and not the polite nodding that sometimes happens while you are already preparing your reply in your head. I mean the kind of listening where the other person genuinely feels understood.

Because trust is often built - or lost - in moments like that.

And most of the time we don’t even realise it’s happening.

What Happens in Every Conversation

Every time someone explains something to you, they are editing.

Without really thinking about it, people delete parts of the story, soften certain details and generalise others. It isn’t something we consciously decide to do; it’s simply how the mind works. We share the version of events that feels manageable, safe or relevant in that moment.

Which means when someone speaks to you, you are rarely hearing the complete story.

You are hearing a filtered version of it.

If your attention is only half there, you will probably respond to what is on the surface. But when you slow down and become fully present in the conversation, you start to notice more. You begin to sense what might be sitting underneath the words being used.

And when someone feels that you have noticed what is underneath, something important happens.

Trust begins to grow.

Listening Is Also Watching

When people talk about listening skills, they often mention that we have two ears and one mouth for a reason.

I would add something else to that.

We also have two eyes.

Someone might say, “Yes, I’m really happy to be here.”

Yet their voice doesn’t sound particularly happy. Their eye contact drifts away for a moment or their body becomes slightly tense.

The words are saying one thing.

The rest of them may be communicating something different.

When you combine listening with observation, you begin to see the whole person in front of you rather than just the sentence they have chosen to say.

And that’s when conversations really begin to connect.

Because people feel seen, not just heard.

Why This Builds Trust

Trust rarely grows because someone says the perfect sentence. More often it grows because people feel understood.

When someone senses that you are genuinely paying attention - not interrupting, not rushing the conversation along and not dismissing their perspective - something shifts internally.

They relax.

They often share a little more. Sometimes they even become clearer about what they actually need simply by talking it through with someone who is properly listening.

That clarity allows you to respond thoughtfully rather than reacting too quickly.

Leaders who listen in this way tend to notice small signals earlier. They pick up on hesitation before it becomes disengagement. They notice uncertainty before it begins to affect performance and they sense frustration before it grows into conflict.

That kind of awareness protects relationships.

Not because you are perfect, but because you are attentive.

A Small Shift That Changes Conversations

You might like to experiment with something very simple in your next one-to-one conversation.

Slow the conversation down slightly.

Notice how someone’s tone changes when certain topics come up. Notice the moments where they hesitate or move past something quickly without expanding on it.

Instead of immediately offering a solution, stay curious for a little longer.

You might say something like:

"You mentioned you're fine with that, but I’m sensing there might be more to it. Would you like to say a bit more?"

That small invitation communicates something powerful.

It says, I’m here. I’m paying attention. What you’re saying matters.

And that is trust in action.

Listening is not passive.

It’s intentional. It’s observant. It’s respectful.

When people feel fully listened to, they feel safer. And when people feel safer, they speak more honestly.

That honesty strengthens relationships.

And that is how trust is built - one conversation at a time.

If you enjoy reflecting on the small leadership moments that shape trust in teams, you may also enjoy my upcoming book Working with Trust, where I explore how everyday conversations quietly influence the trust people place in you as a leader.

Fiona Campbell Arrand works with leaders and coaches to build trust, clarity and stronger workplace conversations.